What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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