what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
