hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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