spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i love accidental penises.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
