I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
