just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
