Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
