Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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