i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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