youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
