If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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