i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
