I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
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Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
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Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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