Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
