we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
