seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
