just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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