Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
