I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Your penis caused this!
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