worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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