I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
