he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
