the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
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NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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