I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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