he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
