Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
