She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
