Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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