I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
