I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
