It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
