and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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