btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
