made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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