the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
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Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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