This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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