You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
