i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
