Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
