My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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