why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
