i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
