Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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