its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
