I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
