i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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