Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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