I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There's always time for handjobs
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
