I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
