The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
