What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
