Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
