i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
