yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
