I cannot find my penis.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
