I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
