Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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