So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
