I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
