Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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