You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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