Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
