Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
